Why You Should Consider Having a Threesome

Tuesday, October 30, 2018


It’s one of the most common, intense fantasies of both men and women, particularly amongst married couples: group sex. By placing so much cultural currency on the notion of monogamous relationships, we created the taboo of sleeping with another person. This historically resulted in marital infidelity, but that is beginning to change. There has been a rise in polyamory in millennials (myself included) and, whether it’s because of that new openness or in spite of it, the erotic allure of a ménage à trois is as powerful as ever.

And the idea of having one scared the shit out of me.

If I’m being perfectly honest, until the last few years, the notion of a threesome was really intimidating to me. For a long time, I was of the mindset that I had to perform, to guarantee that my partner had a good time before anything else. Being responsible for doing that with two people at once was petrifying. It made me more anxious that it ever did aroused.

And yet.

And yet I have found myself in several relationships over the years with people who explicitly brought up the possibility of having a threesome. And recently, I reached a point in my personal growth where I was comfortable with the idea, where I have learned that everyone will have more fun if I just relax. So when my partner developed a crush on someone and then dropped some high-key hints that we should hang out, all three of us let things follow their natural course of development.

Then it happened.

I had just gotten back into town after travelling, and both my partner and her crush were going to finish work late. This was several days after having had a phone call with the two of them in between them fooling around, so we had a pretty comfortable idea of boundaries in mind. My partner’s crush finished work first, so she and I met in person for the first time after only having spoken online and on the phone for a few days. We ended up really hitting it off, and even made plans to start hanging out more. Things went so well that we both messaged my partner and told her to come to my place when she finished her shift.

Her crush and I went to my place after stopping to pick up a can of Monster for her. We didn’t waste much time starting with the foreplay, and any discomfort at how relatively little we knew each other did not last. After about an hour, my partner arrived, with a can of Redbull to pep herself up. Maybe it was because all three of us were feeling warmed up and ready to go, but everything that happened next felt wonderfully natural. We flowed between two of us kissing all over the third, one person pulling someone’s hair while the other went down on them, or just rotating out to watch and get a drink to stay hydrated. What would have given me heart palpitations a few years prior ended up being a perfectly pleasant evening for three people who were all attracted to each other.

So would I recommend doing this in your relationship? Honestly, yeah. Even if you have no interest in having a non-monogamous relationship regularly, it’s worth indulging each other and experimenting. It lets two people who might have fallen into comfortable and safe habits try something new that they might have always been interested in, but were afraid to bring up. Some people worry about jealousy factoring in, or that it could lead to one partner becoming unhappy and ending the relationship. And that is possible. But for it to be possible, there would need to be pre-existing problems in the relationship, whether the people involved were aware of them or not. If you feel that you have a strong, healthy relationship, then you have nothing to fear.

So don’t be afraid to get a little freaky with your bae—you just might like it.

Having a threesome: what are the unwritten rules?

Tuesday, October 30, 2018


In a relationship? Nice one. So you're done with Tinder, and your history on Bi3some is shelved alongside the sex memoirs… does that mean you're out of the game? Not at all. Enter threesomes.

For those who fancy a threesome, there are ways to go about this- for example, apps like Bicupid that promise to hook couples up with willing singles for drinks and maybe more. Like other dating apps, it doesn't of course do the hard work for you. Being momentarily attracted to someone who's available is one thing - negotiating that attraction, and sustaining it? Quite another.

And while threesomes are one of the top fantasies for women (not to mention men), they're also famous for causing problems in established relationships. Especially for people who are used to being monogamous and not having to negotiate the shoals of jealousy that can crop up unexpectedly when you have a partner with someone else… even if it's only for one night.

One of the biggest unexamined assumptions about sex and relationships is that you don't need to communicate anything to get it right. And the corollary, that talking about sex "kills the mood". These assumptions do enough damage to twosomes as it is, so don't fall into the trap of thinking that a three-way mutual attraction - even no-strings fun - doesn't also need people to hammer out some ground rules and boundaries.

For instance it would be easy to mistake fantasy for reality, and assume that because your partner fantasises about threesomes during sex with you, that it's 'totes OK' to pick someone up and bring them home unannounced.

Go ahead, just try it. Let me know how that works out for you. Once you've finished dodging the thrown glasses and slammed doors.

Another assumption is that because one partner fancies someone, the other one will too, as well. Maybe now actually is not the best time to discover that your other half has "a thing" for Bill Murray impersonators and just assumed you knew and were cool with that.

OK, so you checked your assumptions and kept the lines of communication open, now what? The other big trip-up is assuming that once something is negotiated, that the rules can't change. Maybe your partner has never had a threesome, thought they would be cool with it, but now it's really happening is not down with watching you get it on with someone else.

Or maybe they get very into it and decide they'd like to take things up a notch, beyond the boundaries discussed beforehand. Either way: re-negotiation should always be on the table.

If you're still keen to give it a go, then consider downloading a copy of the well-known polyamory manifesto, The Ethical Slut, alongside that app, and being prepared to that consider no plans are likely to survive first contact.

Mindful Sex: The Threesome

Tuesday, October 9, 2018


My first threesome involved a lot of Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum and a mattress on the floor. It was fun, sloppy, and we all had a good time. After that my triad sexual experiences were all heavily supported by the use of alcohol. Sometimes they were the result of wanting to get physical with someone other than my partner, but not wanting to cheat. I always woke up the next morning feeling a little confused, a little guilty, and a lot hung-over. I never really had to deal with the politics of a threesome, and certainly not the complex feelings that can arise, because I was not actually present. I also missed out on how fun and sexy it can be to have an extra set of hands in the mix, or to watch your partner exploring another body.

Today I like to show up for everything, including my sex life. And let me tell you, fully experiencing a threesome is way better than drunkenly fumbling though one. Mindfulness can expand in all directions of life, including new sexual adventures. The more you bring your practice into every aspect of your day, the more you have the potential to lead an awakened life. I always talk about how the very challenging times are incredibly ripe for spiritual growth, but so are the fun, very sexy times. A new sexual experience, such as a ménage à trois, offers a smorgasbord of sensory and mental activity. If you get mindful about it, a threesome can be a spiritual path of it’s own. Just to be clear, your sex life being a spiritual path does not necessarily have equal some sort of new age explosion of “spirituality.” It can still be dirty, wild, and fun. Everything is a spiritual path and in my experience that path keeps getting more simple and ordinary every day. And sexier too.

There are, however, unique challenges and negotiations involved with bringing a third person into the bedroom. If you are considering inviting someone to join you and your partner, a mindful approach will make all the difference in taking it from fun to really fun. Here are a few tips for making your threesome fantasy a reality that doesn’t require a bottle of rum:

One of my teachers, Shinzen Young, talks about making your romantic relationship a monastery. Do this in all ways, including trying new things in the bedroom. Remember to really show up for all of it, each moan, tingle, and quiver. Who said being mindful couldn’t involve multiple people having multiple orgasms?

I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND, BUT I WANT TO HAVE A THREESOME

Tuesday, October 9, 2018


The dilemma I’m in a sweet, monogamous relationship with my girlfriend. We’re in our early 40s. She’s beautiful and we have a happy sex life. But I’m also fascinated by her friend, who leads a libertine lifestyle. I keep thinking about threesomes and other kinky games. I love my girlfriend, but I find other women attractive, too.

I’m loyal and I’d never cheat, but my promiscuous imagination is hard to repress – it comes out in pillow talk and in jokes and innuendos. My girlfriend has a good sense of humour and says it’s just the nature of my sexuality, the same way it would be if I was gay. But it hurts her feelings and it’s coming between us. My old Catholic sensibility says it’s a sin and I should fight it. What do you think? Am I a male pig trying to have his cake and eat it? How do I pursue my happiness without hurting the woman I love?